As I reminisce about my
childhood, there were a lot of things that I had to learn, and some of those
things I had to unlearn as I grew older. Childhood memories are precious and
formative but some of those memories shaped me into an adult with certain perspectives
and beliefs that don't apply to my current reality. In retrospect, these are
the things I learned as a child that I have to unlearn as an adult.
1: Your Parent’s enemy is
your enemy
One of the things that our
parents taught us while growing up was that their enemy is our enemy. Well,
they had their reasons. Whenever my parents had a quarrel or a misunderstanding
with someone, they would warn us not to associate with the person and even
their children if they had. We were made to believe that anyone who doesn't
like our parents doesn’t like us.
As I grew older, I realized that your parent’s enemies should not be your
enemy. There is a thin line between blindly following others and making our own
choices. Not all enemies are worth hating. We choose to live by our own
standards and only fight the battles that are truly worth it. Let us break the
cycle of hate and teach our children to think and empathize with those who are
different from us.
2: Don’t take food from
anyone
While growing up, we
learned about different stories of food poisoning, initiations, etc. not that
these stories were actually false but to protect us, our parents warned us not
to take food from strangers and even with the people we are familiar with. They
would always tell us that we can’t trust anyone. If we are given anything
by anyone, we would be scared to take it and if our parents were there when we
were given, they would communicate with us through their eyes. I still remember
how my mother used to communicate with me through her eyes. You dare not do
otherwise. This is one lesson they instilled in us as children. It actually
curbed us from looking into other people’s things.
As I grew older, I realized that truly we are in a world full of dangers
but not everyone out there is aimed at harming you. This rule was not always
practical or necessary. For instance, when I visited friends or family members,
they would offer me snacks or meals that were perfectly safe to eat. At first,
I was hesitant to partake in their hospitality because of what my parents had
drilled into me about taking food from strangers. As an adult now, I realized
that it was not always realistic to view everyone outside of my family as a
threat. In fact, some of my fondest memories involved trying new foods with
friends and learning about different cultures. Our parents were protecting us
from harm but now, I had to trust my instincts and discern when it was safe to
eat food that was offered to me.
I still take food safety seriously but I no longer live in fear of every food
item that is not prepared by my family.
3: Don’t mingle with boys!
Growing up, my parents
instilled in me the belief that girls and boys shouldn’t mix too much. They
warned me against getting too friendly with boys, especially as I entered my
teenage years. At the time, I didn’t think much of it but as I grew older, I realized
that this way of thinking was problematic. The truth is I love the company of
boys even more than girls. I found their sense of humor and laid-back nature
refreshing. They were different from my female friends in ways that I
appreciate. So, when I found myself gravitating towards boys in high school, I
felt a sense of guilt and shame. I remembered my parents' warnings and wondered
if I was doing something wrong.
It wasn't until I started to make more friends from the opposite sex that I
began to unlearn what my parents had taught me. I realized that gender should
never be a barrier to forming friendships. Boys were just people, like anyone
else. I learned that my parents' beliefs came from a place of cultural and
societal expectations that no longer held much weight.
Now, as an adult, I am grateful for the experience of unlearning what my
parents taught me. I have many male friends who have enriched my life in
countless ways. They've offered me new perspectives, helped me see the world
through different eyes, and given me a deeper appreciation for diversity.
Looking back, I realize that what my parents taught me about not mingling with
boys was a limiting belief. It wasn't until I broke free from that way of
thinking that I was able to fully embrace the richness that comes from diverse
friendships.
4: When you fall sick too
often, you are an 'ogbanje'
Growing up as a child, I
really did not have knowledge about the cause of certain things. For instance,
I used to constantly fall sick which could have been as a result of any other
thing but I was made to believe that constant sickness is a sign that I was
‘ogbanje.’ At that time, if you are termed as an ‘ogbanje’ you have to be ready
for a lot of cleansing which I was made to go through. As a child, I felt sick
quite often, and it did not take long before my family and friends started
speculating that I was an ogbanje. My parents were particularly worried, and
they took me to see different spiritualists and traditional healers, hoping
that one of them could "unravel" the mystery behind my recurrent
illnesses.
I began to research more about ogbanje and other superstitions, and I soon
discovered that many of these beliefs were founded on fear and ignorance rather
than reality. It was not long before I decided to unlearn this notion that
anytime you were sick as a child, you were an ogbanje.
As an adult now, I realize that those days were days of ignorance of my parents
as they were a lot of superstitions that they held dearly. I feel liberated
from the shackles of these harmful beliefs. I no longer worry about being
stigmatized for falling sick, and I am glad to know that many other people in
my community are also shedding these superstitious beliefs. There could have
been a lot of other reasons why I could have been falling sick constantly. I
grew up to understand that there is something called ‘malaria’ which is one
major cause of illness and other factors could have contributed. Falling sick
is not a sign that you are an ‘ogbanje’, it's just a sign that you need medical
attention and need to be treated correctly.
We still have a long way to go, but every small step we take toward embracing
science and logic over superstition brings us closer to a more enlightened
society.
5: You have to do
everything your parents want.
Growing up as a child in an
African home, we were guided by principles, and one major principle we held on
to was never to say ‘no’ to our parents. We have to do everything they want as
long as they clothe us, feed us, and put a roof over our heads. They also tie
their happiness to you being obedient and doing everything they want you to do.
But as I grew older, I realized that at some point in my life, I would need to
make my own decisions and do what I think is best for me. Truth is, even as an
adult, some of our parents still want us to do everything they want us to do
but we have to unlearn that principle. For Parents who are controlling, it is
not going to be easy when you begin to say ‘no’ to their opinions, choices, or
suggestions for you. Unlearning this notion is a deliberate act for me.
Breaking free from the idea that you have to follow your parents' wishes can be
a difficult and scary task, but it's important for personal growth. Begin by
setting clear boundaries with your parents. Let them know that you love and
respect them, but you're an adult now and need to make your own choices.
Be honest about what you want and need in your life. You may want to pursue a
different career, move to a new city, or start a family. Whatever it is, be
confident in your decisions and communicate them with your parents.
Remember, you're not alone in this journey. Many adults struggle with balancing
their parents' expectations with their own desires. Seek support from friends,
family members, or a therapist to help you navigate through this challenging
process.
It's time to embrace your independence and become the person you want to be.
Don't be afraid to challenge your parents' ideas and make decisions that align
with your values. As you break away from the notion that you have to do
everything your parents want, you'll find more freedom and joy in your life.
READ THIS: Dealing With A Controlling Parent
6: I must study hard and go
to school before I succeed.
As an adult, I have come to
unlearn that mindset and understand that there is more to life outside the four
walls of school. I realized that this notion is not entirely accurate. While
education is important, success does not solely rely on it. It is essential to
unlearn this idea and understand that success can come in different forms and
ways.
I started to look for alternative paths and options, and I found myself
exploring entrepreneurship and other areas of interest. It was daunting at
first, but I pushed myself to take the leap. I began reading books, doing my
research, and networking with other like-minded individuals.
Unlearning the belief that studying hard and going to school was the only way
to succeed was a life-changing experience. It allowed me to be open to
different opportunities and ways of thinking, which led me to find my passion
and pursue my dreams.
Growing up, there were lots of expectations from me and I was made to believe that it was only when I went to school, read my books and came out with flying colors before I could meet those expectations. So, I saw success in life as going to school, studying hard for my exams, getting into a higher institution, bagging my master's and PhD, and getting married happily ever after. This was my orientation about life. Hence, I took my studies very seriously. Our parents want the best for us and that's why they often come up with different ideas to improve us. Actually, this idea they ingrained in me made me the best in all my classes in school. I remembered the first time I wrote my post -utme and I couldn't meet their cut-off mark, I felt like an irreversible failure. I cried so hard that it appeared like I was never going to succeed. It was not until I finished tertiary institution that I began to realize that there is more to life outside the four walls of the school.
7: Marriage makes
you complete
However, as an adult now
and with the knowledge I now have, I have come to realize that I am whole. I am
a whole being and I don’t need a man to make me complete. I am at liberty to
achieve my dreams and not feel incomplete without a man.
Unlearning the notion that marriage makes you complete is liberating and
empowering. It allows you to live life on your own terms and take control of
your happiness. So go ahead and invest in yourself, develop your passions, and
surround yourself with positivity - your life is yours to create!
There is this big deal about marriage in a society like Africa. So much importance is tied to it such that our parents ring it into our ears early enough. Everything we need to do, become, or know is connected to marriage. As a child, I often heard my mother especially say things like, “Is this how you will be doing when you get to your husband’s house?” They say this in situations when you don’t do things well. Some of our parents believed that a girl-child is not complete until she gets married. They see marriage as the height of a girl-child’s achievement and they try their best to prepare the girl child towards this goal. If you are of age in an African home and you are yet to get married, no matter what you have achieved in your life at the time, it would have amounted to nothing until you brought a man home. That is the only time your parents will see you fulfilled in their own judgment.
Fortunately for me, I am married. I don’t see myself as half and my partner as the other half to complete me. I already had my dreams, aspirations, and visions before getting married. I only married a man whose purpose also aligns with mine and we can both have a purposeful marriage together. I think that any man who will marry you should marry you in your right state.
8: Respect your elders no
matter what!
Growing up as a child, my
parents instilled the importance of respect in us. It was and is still a
fundamental part of training any child. We were made to respect our elders even
if they were a few minutes older than us. Showing respect to an elder in an
African society automatically identifies you as a good and well-trained child
and this always gives our parents credit that they train us well. Hence, our
parents made sure that we respected our elders no matter what.
There are times when our elders can be wrong, biased, or simply out of touch
with modern-day realities. And while we should still show them love and
respect, we need to be able to question their opinions and beliefs, especially
when they clash with our own. We need to unlearn the idea that our elders are
always right and that we must defer to their judgment no matter what. Now, I am
not suggesting that we should be disrespectful to our elders. However, blind
respect can lead to accepting behavior that is harmful or wrong. Just because
someone is older than us does not give them a free pass to mistreat us or
others. I realized that blindly respecting elders was not only foolish, but it
was also dangerous. Just because someone is older than me doesn't automatically
mean that they are wise or even worthy of respect. In fact, there are plenty of
elders out there who are disrespectful, rude, and downright cruel.
Personally, I believe it is not a bad thing to show respect to people generally
whether they are older or younger. Respect is one thing I accord to people
regardless of who they are or what they have but as I grew older, I learned
that it's okay to set boundaries and speak up when an elder is being
disrespectful or harmful. I learned that just because someone is older doesn't
mean they're exempt from consequences.
Unlearning what my parents had taught me about respecting elders no matter what
wasn't easy, but it was necessary. It allowed me to be more discerning about
the people I allow in my life and to value myself enough to not tolerate disrespectful
behavior from anyone, regardless of their age.
So, to anyone out there who is struggling with the idea of blindly respecting
elders, I encourage you to unlearn that toxic mentality. It's okay to set
boundaries, to speak up, and to value yourself. After all, true respect is
earned, not just given based on someone's age.
9: Never try anything
because it might go wrong.
This was one thing I
suffered a lot while growing up. I used to wonder why my parents never allowed
me to try anything new. I grew up with the orientation that if they don’t do it
for me or they supervise me, it will always go wrong. Growing up, we were always
taught to avoid trying new things out of fear of failure. Our parents warned us
of the risks that come with taking risks and discouraged us from stepping out
of our comfort zones. As a result, we became conditioned to stick to what we
knew and never take on new challenges. I remember when I was of age to start
going to the market, my parents did not allow me. I did not understand their
reasons until I grew up. There were other things I wanted to explore as a
teenager but my parents would give me one or two reasons why it would not work.
I remember as a child, I used to beg my mother to allow me to try pounding. She
would always discourage me until one day, I tried it out when she was not
around. When she eventually found out, she was not too pleased because she felt
I could have injured or hurt myself in the process. It was at that point I
realized that she was afraid of me taking risks.
It wasn't until I hit rock bottom that I realized how limiting this belief
truly was. I had always played it safe and stuck to the things I was good at,
but when life threw me a curveball, I had no idea how to handle it. It was then
that I realized that trying something new wasn't a curse; it was an opportunity
to learn, grow and evolve.
I decided to unlearn the things my parents had taught me about never trying
anything new because it might go wrong. Instead, I started embracing challenges
and exploring opportunities that I would never have dared to pursue before. I
stepped out of my comfort zone and found new interests, made new friends, and
developed new skills. The most amazing thing about it all was that I started to
see the world in a whole new light. The possibilities were endless.
I discovered that it's okay to try something and fail. In fact, it's better to
try and fail than never try at all. Through every mistake, I learned something
new and valuable that I could take with me and use to my advantage in the
future. Instead of letting fear of failure control me, I embraced it as a
learning opportunity.
10: Comparing your child
with others will make them do more
Growing up as a child, I
grew up to get used to my parents, especially my mother comparing me with the
other children in the neighborhood that she felt were doing better than I do.
She believed it was a way of getting at me to do things better and differently.
I also believed it too but whenever she compared me, I used to feel bad and not
enough. I used to feel that the other children she used to compare me with were
really better than I was until I visited one of those children in the
neighborhood one day and I overheard my friend’s mother comparing my friend
with me and she was advising him to emulate me. What an irony as this was the
same smart, obedient, peaceful, and good child that my mom constantly compared
with me. If she had not mentioned my friend’s name, her scolding or advice was
not completed. This actually taught me wisdom early and helped me not to be
moved anymore when my mother would start with her comparison
sermon.
As an adult now, I realize
that comparing your child with someone else will only bring about an
inferiority complex and not necessarily help the child to do better, and even
if it seems like it’s helping the child, you will realize that your child will
become very competitive and that is not quite healthy. Every child differs. No
two children are the same. When we let go of the urge to compare, we allow our
child to grow and develop at their own pace, making their journey toward
success much smoother and fulfilling. It's time to embrace the idea that each
child has their own unique strengths and abilities that can flourish with the
right support and guidance. So, let's break free from comparisons and celebrate
our children for who they are, not who we think they should be.
There were many things that I learned as a child that I had to unlearn as an
adult. But these lessons have helped shape me into the person I am today, and I
am grateful for them all. They have taught me to be resilient, authentic, and
compassionate, and to value my own worth and the worth of others.
Growing up in an African environment is quite interesting. What are the things you also learnt that you had to unlearn? Drop your comments in the comment section.
